Staring at the bronze key lying there, I’d be an idiot to not take it. If only just to get a look at her. Anything. I’m desperate, so I take it.
“Thanks, man,” he says before heading out.
Pulling into her driveway, I already feel my anxiety welling up. I don’t know what I’m about to walk into, but I know she’s inside, and I’m desperate to see her. When I ring the doorbell, it takes a moment before I hear that voice I’ve been missing so much, but her words are nearly lifeless when she says, “Go away.”
“You won’t return any of my calls, babe. Please, let me talk to you.”
She doesn’t respond, and when I use the key to unlock the door, she turns to me and yells, “What are you doing?!”
“Jase gave me a key.”
She mumbles something under her breath before saying, “Ryan, please go. I don’t want to talk.”
Jase wasn’t lying; she looks awful. She was small before, but I can tell she’s lost weight by the way her clothes are hanging on her. And I know she isn’t sleeping by the dark circles under her eyes. What the hell have I done to her? God, knowing she’s hurting so much that she isn’t taking care of herself is just another punch to my gut.
“I can’t not talk to you. It’s killing me.”
“It’s killing you?” she snaps. “What about me? Ryan, I can’t do this. I can’t even look at you. Please, just go.” Her words are strained as she speaks.
“I can’t stand to see you like this.”
“Then go! I will do almost anything to make you leave.”
“Just let me talk to you. Please, babe, just let me talk,” I beg.
“Fine, say whatever you need to say, then leave me alone.”
When she sits on the couch, I walk over and sit next to her as I watch the tears begin to fall from her tired eyes. I wanna touch her. I wanna pull her into my arms like I’ve done so many times before, but now I feel like I can’t. Like if I tried, she would just reject me. I’m so close to her right now, but I’ve never felt so distant. I hate it.
“I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t,” she says as she turns her head away from me.
“When was the last time you’ve eaten?”
“Ryan, don’t. Just say what you need to say.”
Reaching out to take her hand, she yanks it away from me. God, this is bad. Needing to get through to her, needing her to know, I just start talking—pleading. “I love you. I know you don’t believe me, but I do. No one has ever affected me the way you do, babe. I swear to you . . . I swear I didn’t know. I didn’t, Candace. Not at first,” I tell her when I start to choke up, and I just let it out. I let all the tears fall that I’ve been holding in because I feel like I’m losing everything I am at this point. She’s all I have ever wanted in this life, and I’m losing her.
“When I saw you at the coffee shop, I thought it was you. I thought you were that girl,” I tell her, nearly crying out the words because they hurt so much. “But then I kept thinking, ‘What are the chances?’ I didn’t know because you looked so different than from that night. And then I found out that you were friends with Mark. Every time I saw you, I felt myself being drawn to you in a way I’ve never felt before. I had myself convinced that my head was playing games with me, and I honestly did not think you were that girl. It wasn’t until I saw your tattoo when we were in bed. That’s when I knew. When I found that girl, I saw her tattoo—your tattoo.”
“Ryan, please,” she begs, but I can’t stop. She needs to hear this because I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get this chance again.
She’s trying to shut me out, so I continue, “When I saw it, I broke. I didn’t want you to be her. I had already fallen so hard in love with you, and realizing that it was you f**kin’ killed me,” I explain through my tears as she sits there crying with me. “Everything started making sense to me. How scared you always were with me when we first met, how afraid you were when I tried to touch you. Everything made sense. But, I didn’t know how to tell you. And then you told me you loved me, and I know how hard that was for you. I just couldn’t hurt you.”
“But you did,” she sobs out. “You lied to me. I let you see all the parts of me that weren’t pretty, but you knew all along. And when I finally opened up to you, you already knew.” She drops her head and begins to cry harder when she says, “You let me give everything to you. You had to have known that you couldn’t hold on to that secret forever. I would’ve eventually found out, and you still let me fall for you like I did. I feel so stupid and used, like you just felt sorry for me or pitied me.”
“I never pitied you, babe. I have only ever loved you. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
When I try pulling her into my arms to hold her, she shoves me back and gets up from the couch, stepping away from me.
“I can’t do this. You can’t say those things to me,” she says.
Walking toward her, I stop right in front of her and confess, “I know I f**ked up. I f**ked everything up so bad. I know all you wanted was someone you could trust. I wanted to be that for you, and I f**ked it all up. But I didn’t know what to say; I was scared. You’ll never know how f**king sorry I am.”
“I knew better. I knew I shouldn’t have let you in like I did. But I can’t see you anymore. You have to stop calling and texting,” she says. Her words tearing me apart as she continues, “I need you to just not exist for me because I can’t do this. It hurts more than I thought anything possibly could.”