As much as I didn’t want to see my little brother slobbering all over his skinny wife, I loved seeing him this happy.
At that moment, Lexi turned her head to face me and immediately blushed. Austin followed her gaze and started laughing when he saw what had his little woman so embarrassed.
“You’re too fuckin’ cute, Pix,” Austin said and, pressing a kiss on Lexi’s cheek, came to sit opposite me. Lexi plated up their eggs and sat down beside her husband, slowly lifting her fork to cut up her food. She kept her eyes downcast as she methodically chewed on each forkful of eggs. I caught Austin checking on her from time to time, his hand dropping down to lay on her leg.
For a minute, my gut clenched as I thought of how much my mamma would’ve loved to have seen her pride and joy this happy. And she would’ve fucking doted on Lexi. She’d have been the daughter Mamma’d never had.
That one thought of my mamma had my eyes closing and my throat fighting a huge lump.
“You good, Axe?” Austin asked.
My eyes snapped open, and I could see his eyebrows pulled down as he watched me.
“Yeah,” I replied huskily, coughing and shifting on my seat.
Austin eyed me skeptically but didn’t push it. “So,” Austin said, getting up from the table to get us more coffee. As he filled my cup and sat back down, I waited for what he wanted to say. “You’ve been working real long hours at that market. Seems like all the fucking time.”
As always my heart beat hard when Austin brought up my cover. I fucking hated lying to them all, but I just couldn’t tell them what I was really doing in Seattle.
“Picking up more shifts. Working as much as I can,” I mumbled vaguely.
“Overnight?” Austin questioned.
“A guy I work with has a place nearby. I sometimes crash there. But I work night shifts too.”
“A guy you work with?” Austin probed, and Lexi looked up, worry in her eyes. Austin shifted on his seat. “An ex-con?”
My eyes narrowed at my little brother. “What if he is?” I asked. “So am I, Aust.”
Austin opened his mouth to reply, when another voice cut in instead. “Of course he is, Aust. Axe only hangs with fucking losers. Remember Gio? He was Axe’s puppet master back in Bama, hey?”
I closed my eyes briefly and tried to breathe through Lev’s oncoming rant. He launched into them daily, his words trying to crop me the fuck down.
“They’re probably not working late. He’s probably back selling coke. The only thing he was ever good at. A snow entrepreneur.”
Every part of me froze at the mention of my dealing, and I turned to glare at Levi, who was leaning back against the granite countertop, making a protein shake. My baby brother was shooting daggers at me with his gray eyes.
It’d been like this since I’d arrived. Most days he ignored me, the rest of the time he tried to shoot me down, tried to make me feel like the fucking loser they all believed I was.
The first few days, I put up with his shit, tried to coast the tide of anger. But recently, I’d been crashing at my studio more. Had Vin put in a bed for me there. Didn’t wanna be here, where I wasn’t wanted. Didn’t wanna fuck up Lev’s life more than I already had.
“Levi, stop!” Lexi said tiredly, but I put up my hand to stop her.
I locked gazes with my fratellino. “Believe it or not, kid, I ain’t into that shit no more.”
A knowing smirk spread on Levi’s mouth. “Yeah, Axe? You reformed now?”
“Si, Lev, I am. Just trying to get on with my life.”
Levi gripped the shaker in his hand and stepped forward, his face beaming red. “You know, I used to believe that God looked after good people, but looking at you sitting here in this house after everything you did to me, Aust, and Lex just doesn’t sit right.” Lev leaned forward, and for a minute, I thought the kid was gonna try and hit me, but he pulled back last minute. “You killed people, Axe, for nothing more than turf. You made Austin and me shoot guys from the Kings, and what makes me more pissed than anything is Mamma fucking died. Mamma, the best woman that ever existed, fucking died while you got to live. You!”
My chest tightened as I watched tears fill Lev’s eyes. I wanted to do nothing more than stand up and fucking pull him to my chest and tell him I was sorry. But no way would he let me do that.
“Lev, you’d better wind your fucking neck in, now,” Austin warned. Lev darted his eyes to Austin, then focused back on me.
“It’s okay, Aust. Let him say what he wants. He obviously wants to get it off his chest,” I said coolly, which only served to piss Lev off more.
“Axel, no one should be spoken to like that,” Lexi said quietly, and it was the only time in his whole performance that I saw Lev lose his tough thug act.
Never breaking Levi’s gaze, I shook my head at Lexi. “Let him say whatever he wants to say, Lexi. It’s been a long time coming.”
Levi’s gray eyes lit with fire, and I was sure if he had a gun, I’d be taking a shot of lead to the head. He leaned down farther. “Work at your fucking fish market, Axe. But know nothing you do will ever make me forgive you. You’re nothing but trash.”
Levi walked out of the house, and I sat at the table, still gripping my coffee, the mug almost cracking under my tight grip.
“Axe, fuck, he shouldn’t have said all that about Mamma—” Austin tried to say, but I stood, cutting him off, washed my cup out in the sink, and placed it on the drainer.
Closing my eyes and inhaling to fight back the fucking devastation washing through me, I said, “He’s right, Aust. Everything he said was right.” I looked up to see Austin and Lexi watching me with sympathetic eyes.
I didn’t want no fucking pity. It only pissed me off more. I wasn’t a damn charity case.
Pushing off the counter, I walked past my brother and wife, but not before saying, “If I could trade places with Mamma, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I deserve to be dead. I ain’t never done nothing good in my whole life. Lev’s right. I’m trash.”
*****
Feeling the cold metal of the hammer in my hands, I began slamming it down on the large chunks of gray-veined Pavonazzo marble that I wouldn’t need on this sculpture. With each blow I felt each one of Levi’s words strike my chest like I was being torn apart.
What the hell have I done to that kid?