I followed the sound of the voice and my stomach immediately dropped. “Dr. Lund,” I said, remembering where I was: counseling.
“You’ve lost some weight,” Dr. Lund said directly. “You are losing concentration more, and I’m beginning to worry.”
“I don’t think—”
“It’s very noticeable, Lexi. You’re slight to begin with. A few pounds of weight loss is extremely noticeable on your petite frame.”
My head instinctively ducked, and I couldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s just because I’ve been so busy, I swear.”
Yes, Lexington, keep him from the truth. Keep him from knowing you have started to cut back on calories because you think you are too fat in your cheerleading uniform. That thinking of Daisy at her goal weight is driving you there too. And you are right. You are looking fat. It is merely a couple of pounds that you have lost. A couple of pounds are nothing. Maybe you should lose a few more, just to be sure… to be absolutely sure…
“Lexi, our time is up, but I expect you at group this week, yes?” I nodded my head. “I think we need to discuss the cheerleading. You know it is your primary trigger. Maybe it is too much, right now. I was never fully convinced you were ready to take that step again the first place.”
I nodded without replying and moved from my seat and practically ran outside the room, pausing to hit my back against the wall.
I knew cheerleading was my trigger, and I was getting more concerned that I looked fat on the field.
The voice is right, isn’t it? And Dr. Lund doesn’t know everything, does he? I’ll be fine losing just a few more pounds, just to be sure I don’t look too big on camera. After all, the camera adds ten pounds, so I’ll just be making up for that, balancing out. I can stop after ten pounds. It’ll be easy. I’m stronger this time. I’ll be able to stop just fine. It won’t spiral out of control. It’ll make me feel that much healthier with some weight gone. That much more confident.
It’ll be easy.
Yes, Lexington, yes. Let me guide you to perfection. I can make it so easy for you…
My heart rate increased as my excitement grew, and I started to make a plan. I’d exercise more, yes. That should do it. I could jog more, hit the gym more. And maybe I should cut out a few more carbs… right? Right? I asked the voice in my head.
That will be a start, Lexington, the voice answered back in approval, and I let myself relax. Just for a moment, I let go.
Yes, Lexington, I shall willingly take the reins.
It felt good not to fight the voice. I was growing tired of all the fighting, the striving to be strong… to be normal… to be cured. The longer I was without Daisy, the easier the voice found it to worm its way into my brain.
Checking the coast was clear, I made my way to the private family room two hallways down. I needed some alone time, to pull myself together before going back to the sorority house, before again having to act like nothing was wrong to my friends. But just as I was about to enter, a guy burst from the door and began sprinting down the hallway. His heavy black boots echoed on the tiles of the sterile floor, causing me to look his way.
My pulse began racing as I realized who it was. All black clothes, tattoos, piercings, black ear gauges, and dark hair, almost black.
Austin Carillo.
Just as Austin ran out of sight, I started as my daddy came out of the family room, dressed in his long white coat, his eyes searching the long, sparsely populated corridor for which direction Austin went.
Daddy hadn’t seen me standing there, staring at the unfolding scene, too concerned with Austin running away in the distance. Shaking his head, seemingly in sorrow, he turned to shut the family room door and finally looked my way.
Daddy’s eyebrows arched in surprise. “Lexi?” he said, seeming taken aback. I’d barely seen my parents in the last couple months. Daddy was always busy with his patients, my momma was busy with her dressmaking business, and I’d been busy with school.
“Hey, Daddy!” I said happily as I moved toward him. “I didn’t know you’d be here tonight.”
My daddy leaned his head down to press a kiss on my cheek.
“I didn’t realize you’d be here tonight, sweetheart,” he said and looked nervously down the hallway once more.
“I was with Dr. Lund. We had to reschedule, as I have an away game coming up.”
My daddy’s eyes dropped low at my answer, and he sighed heavily. “And how did it go?”
Pulling my long sleeves forward along my palms, I shrugged. “Okay, I suppose.”
My daddy stepped closer to me and quieted his voice. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look like you’ve lost some weight.”
Anger boiled in my veins. “I’m fine! It’s y’all who think I’m not coping! I’m doing fine! Why can’t everyone leave me alone!” I snapped.
Then I heard the voice in my head.
But you are not handling it well, are you, Lexington? You are slowly coming back to me. You want to be here too. And I want you back. I miss you…
“Lexi?” my daddy whispered sadly, and I whipped my head up, interrupting him before he could say more. I couldn’t hear any more!
“Was that Austin Carillo you were talking to in there?” I blurted out, attempting to change the subject, pointing to the family room.
Deflection, an anorexic’s greatest tool.
My daddy rocked on his feet and his face reddened. That meant it was.
“Doctor-patient confidentiality, Lexi. You know I can’t tell you why.”
I nodded my head and looked wistfully down the hallway once more.
My daddy cleared his throat. “Do you know Austin Carillo, Lexi? You’ve never mentioned him before,” he asked cautiously. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was because he was a Heighter. But I wasn’t sure Austin was as bad as he seemed. At least, he wasn’t that night in the summerhouse. A part of me kinda thought I saw the real him that night.
“I only know him from cheerleading,” I replied. “He plays for the Tide. He’s a wide receiver. But I don’t know him well, no.”
Daddy exhaled a pent-up breath in—I surmised—relief and rubbed his forehead with his hand. He was stressed. I reached out and tugged on the sleeve of his white coat, flashing him a proud smile. He was such an exceptional doctor because he cared deeply for his patients. He was, simply put, an exceptional human being. Maxwell Hart MD was the chief oncologist for the district of Tuscaloosa because of his compassion and kindness for people—from any walk of life. He volunteered for free clinics just so people without insurance didn’t have to suffer in pain. Goes from hospital to hospital helping out where he can.