She was scared, terrified really.
What if Robert couldn’t force himself to do the right thing? What if his hatred for her was too strong? What if she couldn’t go through with marrying a man who didn’t love her? There were too many “ifs” in this situation and it made her wish that she had someone that she could confide in, but there was no one.
Her mother would have a fit. She’d most likely turn her back on her for bringing shame to their family. She was ruined, unwed and pregnant. Her mother would tell her father, who would either shoot Robert or force him to marry her and that was not the way that she wanted this handled. She was sorely tempted to go to Mary at once and tell her, but that would end in the same tragic manner. Only it would probably be Anthony that shot Robert and not her father.
Perhaps it would be best to think this through and to be sure that she was carrying a child. She’d never been pregnant before and had no idea of what to expect. There was no one to ask. That last thought turned her stomach. Realizing they were still intimately connected, she carefully climbed off him. He seemed hesitant to release her, but did after a slight pause.
Without a word they both stood and fixed their clothes. Robert ran his fingers through his hair, trying to fix it even though he’d rather keep it the way it was as a reminder of having her in his arms once again.
Elizabeth cleared her throat. “I should go upstairs and freshen up before tea.”
Robert met her eyes briefly before looking away. “Elizabeth?”
“Yes?” She didn’t look up from straightening her skirts, too afraid that she’d break down and tell him before she was ready.
In a quiet, rough voice he asked, “Have your courses come since the night of the orangery.”
Intense heat flooded her cheeks. She turned away from him not in embarrassment surprisingly, but fear. If he found out, what would he do? She just stopped herself from laying her hand across her stomach. He’d taken her virginity and it was his child in her womb. Technically she now belonged to him, she realized. Fury rose up in her at the idea. She would not belong to him or any other man, she decided rebelliously. She refused to be some man’s property, having to ask and beg for everything. She didn’t want to be married to a man who didn’t love her even if she loved him.
“That’s a vulgar question even for you,” she said crossly, avoiding answering the question the only way she knew how.
Robert’s eyes narrowed on her. She’d avoided answering the question the same way she had when they were children and she was caught doing something mischievous. But that was ridiculous. If she were pregnant she would tell him. She was a smart woman. She knew the consequences of having a child out of wedlock. She would be shunned and the child would carry the burden of the shame for the rest of his life. Unless….
His gaze shot to the closed door. Was she planning on marrying James to give his child a father? He ground his teeth until the muscles in his jaw burned under the pressure.
“Are you carrying my child?” he bit out, deciding to end whatever game she was playing.
“No.” I’m carrying my child, she thought as she tried to get a rein on the rebellious emotions clamoring for control inside of her. It was the only way she could lie. Everyone knew that she was a terrible liar, sometimes though she was able to lie if she thought about the answer in a different way. As much as she hated the idea of marrying for anything less than love, she also hated the idea of trapping him. She cared about him too much to do that and she didn’t want to hurt him. She just needed some time to figure out how to tell him without him hating her. One thing was clear, she needed to leave before anyone else figured out that she was pregnant and took the decision on how to tell him out of her hands.
Robert studied her expression for a moment longer. She was a bad liar, he remembered that much. He was hoping he would be able to tell, but he couldn’t. He sighed heavily. “Listen, we…..I didn’t do what I should have and there may be…” he took a deep breath before continuing. “There may be a child as a result of what we did today. In a month’s time we should know.”
Her eyes widened in horror. “I won’t be here, Robert. I’m leaving by the end of the week.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re staying until we know for sure.” He gestured back to the desk. “And we most certainly will not be doing this again.” It sounded like the last part pained him, but she had to agree that it was probably for the best.
Elizabeth placed her hands firmly on her hips. “No, I am leaving. If something happens because of this, I will write you,” she said, realizing that it was the cowardly way to handle this and that was fine with her. She’d rather not be there to see the horror in his eyes when he learned that he was trapped with her for life.
“No. You’re staying,” he said firmly. He didn’t trust her to contact him for some reason that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Also, he wasn’t ready for her to leave, not yet.
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply before continuing. “Robert, I am going. I have been waiting for weeks to go and I refuse to put this off any longer.”
“You’ll stay,” he ordered. “Besides, it doesn’t seem as though your father is going to allow you to leave anytime soon. Seems he has plans for you,” he snapped, anger once again rising at the thought of her marrying James.
“You don’t have the right to tell me what to do!”
He took a menacing step towards her. “You will stay !”
“I’m leaving!” she yelled.
“The hell you are! You will stay until we get this whole mess settled. Once that is done, you can stay the hell away from my family!” He took another step until they were mere inches apart. She pressed her hands flat against his chest and shoved him, but he didn’t budge.
“I will go near whomever I wish and it is none of your concern who I marry. If I chose to marry James, that will be none of your business either!” She had absolutely no plans on marrying James, but that seemed the best thing to throw in his face at the moment.
He glared down at her. Perhaps she’d gone too far because at the moment she was pretty sure that he was seeing red.
“You will never marry my brother,” he said in a low harsh tone. “If you even try, I will make sure everyone knows who had you first. I’ll tell them how you took me in your body and in your mo-”
She cut him off with a hard slap across his face. The sound seemed intense in the otherwise quiet library. This time when she shoved him back he moved.
“I hate you!” she ground out between clenched teeth as she wiped frantically at the tears streaming down her cheeks. She shoved her hand in her pocket and pulled out his knife. She threw it out the open window before he could take it from her. “Stay away from me or so help me God, I will make you pay,” she choked out before she ran from the room.
She pressed a hand to her stomach, pleading with it to calm down long enough for her to reach her room as she ran upstairs, ignoring the servants’ curious glances as she past them. No sooner was she in her room than she lost the battle with her stomach. She raced across the room, past Jane, who was hanging a dress, and grabbed the chamber pot. She lost the contents of her stomach once again, not able to stop herself and knowing as she did it that the servant in her room might very well seal her fate.
Chapter 19
Robert picked up the ledgers off the floor and tossed them onto the desk. He shoved his hands through his hair, wishing that he was punching someone, anyone.
He couldn’t stand this. The one woman in the world that he shouldn’t want was the one woman he was discovering that he couldn’t live without. She was becoming an obsession for him and he was powerless to do anything about it.
Even a half hour later he was having a difficult time believing that a part of him had hoped that she was going to tell him that she was carrying his child. When he’d discovered that she wasn’t pregnant, he felt like part of him died over a child that had never been.
For the past eight years he’d lived his life according to a plan, and so far everything was going smoothly. This time was meant for him to build up his estate and investments so that he could do what he loved for the rest of his life. He should be relieved that she wasn’t interfering with his plans instead of standing here fuming.
What he needed was to take a mistress. He needed someone that wouldn’t interfere with his life and was there when he needed relief. That’s what he wanted, someone that wouldn’t make him lose his control. Hell, he didn’t care if she was pretty as long as she had a warm body and knew her place. He would talk to his brother later to see who was available.
He ignored the sudden clenching of his stomach at the thought of being with another woman. This was how it was. Men of his station kept lovers and mistresses. Even his father kept mistresses and he cared about his wife. Every man he knew did this. It was time he did as well.
With that settled, he sat back down at the desk, hating himself because he knew that he could never do it. What was wrong with him? There was really no need to wonder why he couldn’t go through with it. It only made his anguish worse.
A light scratch at the door tore him from his inner turmoil. “Enter,” he snapped.
Marie, his mother’s maid, stepped inside and immediately closed the door behind her. She walked into the room, fidgeting with her fingers and looking around nervously.
“What is it?” he forced himself to ask politely. Scaring this woman off would not be smart. His mother kept this woman around for her ability to gather gossip. She was the best. There wasn't anything she couldn’t find out, which was why Robert had been paying her a hefty sum for the past month to come straight to him with everything concerning Elizabeth.
For the past month he’d learned about all the men Elizabeth met with and what she did when she left the house. He also learned one rather interesting piece of information; Elizabeth had been dismissing her maid in the mornings for the past two weeks. At first he thought she knew that he was in bed with her and was trying to protect her reputation, but she never gave any indication until this morning that she was aware of his nightly visits. It still puzzled him.
“Sir, I have something that I thought you may find interesting,” she said with another nervous look at the door and then one at the open window. “If you wouldn’t mind, sir, it might be best to close that window.”
He closed the window, forcing himself to remain patient. She was nervous and he didn’t want to frighten her off. He gestured to the chair in front of the desk, but she remained standing.
“What is it, Marie?” he asked.
She licked her lips nervously. “Remember you said if I brought you something really important, you would give me an extra shilling,” she reminded him, smart.
“Yes, is this something worth an extra shilling?” His voice was cool and calm.
“Oh, I believe it is, sir.” Again, she shot another look back at the door.
He sighed inwardly as he pulled the coin out of his pocket and handed it to her, hoping it would move this along. She took it and smiled briefly before putting it away.
“Well?” he asked, feeling his patience once again leaving him.
She cleared her throat delicately, clearly preparing for the moment. He cocked an eyebrow, silently telling her that this drama was unnecessary. Smart girl picked up on it.
“Lady Elizabeth has been sleeping in later than normal,” she announced with flourish.
That was what he paid a shilling for? “That is the important news you wished to tell me? Clearly you and I are of a different opinion on importance, my dear.”
She shook her head. “That is why she dismissed Jane in the morning.”
He glared at her. She licked her lips nervously before continuing. “She also no longer drinks her tea in the morning. Actually, she places it untouched outside her door, except for this morning.” His scowl deepened. “Also, during tea she sits far away from the tea and asks for lemonade.”
Robert waved an impatient hand for her to continue, hoping that this was leading somewhere. “Her appetite is also gone. She only picks at her food now.”
He hadn’t missed that over the past two weeks. The few times they ate together in the past she’d had a healthy appetite, but in the one or two times he saw in her in the dining room these past two weeks she was pushing her food around on her plate. Was she unhappy? Sick? Upset about something? Was it possible she was so preoccupied thinking about him that she was having a difficult time like he was?
That was too much to hope for.
“Anything else?” he asked, kicking himself for being taken in by a servant. Normally he was smart when it came to money and didn’t part with it easily.
She nodded, clearly biting back a smile as she said, “Lady Elizabeth has been ill for the past two weeks.”
He froze. Surely she wasn’t…..
“And she missed her courses.”
Every muscle in his body froze. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, sir. I had to give Jane, her maid, a shilling not to tell anyone but me.” She quietly cleared her throat. Robert automatically pulled out the coin and handed it to her. “Also, not too long ago Lady Elizabeth ran into her room and became ill.”
His hands gripped the edge of the desk tightly until his knuckles turned white. “Is she…..do you think that…..”
Marie nodded. “She is most certainly with child, sir.”
* * *
"It's so nice to have both of you for tea," Lady Norwood said to James and Lord Dumford.
"Thank you, my Lady," James said pleasantly while Lord Dumford looked decidedly unhappy about the younger man's intrusion. It was clear to Elizabeth at least that the man came today with the intention of once again asking for her hand.